Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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