You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
