apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
