i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
In America we eat man semen.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
