so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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