He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
