I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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