Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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