i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
