When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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