My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
