so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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