We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
