don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just want to make out with him forever
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
