I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
