This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
