I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
