I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
