Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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