dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
