Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
