I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
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He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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