Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
