dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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