Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
