Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Randomize
