you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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