the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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