all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
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Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
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At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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