This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
