They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
