i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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