You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
