i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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