After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
