We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
