Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
