the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
