i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
