did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
