My liver just broke up with me...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
