VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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