you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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