My underwear smells like fireworks.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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