you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
