Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
