i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
