Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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