dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
