Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
