they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
