the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
