You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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