i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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