puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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