Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
We talked him into tasing himself.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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