I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
